Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
The Price of a Child
The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140 for a middle income family. Talk about sticker shock! That doesn't even touch college tuition. For those with kids, that figure leads to wild fantasies about all the money we could have banked if not for (insert your child's name here). For others, that number might confirm the decision to remain childless. But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down. It translates into:
- $8,896.66 a year
- $741.38 a month
- $171.08 a week
- Naming rights. First, middle, and last!
- Glimpses of God every day.
- Giggles under the covers every night.
- More love than your heart can hold.
- Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.
- Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.
- A hand to hold, usually covered with jam.
- A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites, building sandcastles, and skipping down the sidewalk in the pouring rain.
- Someone to laugh yourself silly with no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day.
- For $160,140, you never have to grow up. You get to finger-paint, play hide-and-seek and catch lightning bugs.
- You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets, hand prints set in clay for Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.
- For $160,140, there is no greater bang for your buck. You get to be a hero just for retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof, taking the training wheels off the bike, removing a splinter, filling the wading pool, coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and coaching a baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless.
- You get a front row seat to history to witness the first step, first word, and first time behind the wheel.
- You get to be immortal. You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren.
- You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human sexuality that no college can match.
- You have all the power to heal a scrape, patch a broken heart, and love them without limits, so one day they will, like you, love without counting the cost.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Sex advice from Planned Parenthood
Are you sexually active? If so, expect to get a sexually transmitted disease because Vanessa Cullins, M.D. of Planned Parenthood says "all of us get it." She introduces herself as an obstetrician/gynecologist who is "a sexually active individual." Now there's nothing wrong with sex within the confines of marriage but that isn't what she's promoting. I am a happily married man, who along with my wife, doesn't fear human papillomavirus or chlamydia because I operate within God's boundaries and don't have to worry about the consequences of fornication or adultery. Like a liar that has to constantly work hard to stay ahead of the lies, Cullins says, "My best advice for staying healthy is to admit that you're a sexually active individual – like most of us – and that you're going to have sex and that you need to take precautions in order to stay healthy." Vanessa Cullins is a deluded woman leading others to the same destruction.
Pray Right Away
A missionary on furlough told this true story while visiting his home church in Michigan...
While serving at a small field hospital in Africa, every two weeks I traveled by bicycle through the jungle to a nearby city for supplies. This was a journey of two days and required camping overnight at the halfway point. On one of these journeys, I arrived in the city where I planned to collect money from a bank, purchase medicine and supplies, and then begin my two-day journey back to the field hospital. Upon arrival in the city, I observed two men fighting; one of whom had been seriously injured. I treated him for his injuries and at the same time talked to him about the Lord Jesus Christ. I then traveled two days, camping overnight, and arrived home without incident. Two weeks later I repeated my journey. Upon arriving in the city, I was approached by the young man I had treated. He told me that he had known I carried money and medicines. He said, "Some friends and I followed you into the jungle, knowing you would camp overnight. We planned to kill you and take your money and drugs. But just as we were about to move into your camp, we saw that you were surrounded by 26 armed guards."
At this I laughed and said that I was certainly all alone out in that jungle campsite. The young man pressed the point, however, and said, "No sir, I was not the only person to see the guards. My five friends also saw them, and we all counted them. It was because of those guards that we were afraid and left you alone."
At this point in the sermon, one of the men in the congregation jumped to his feet and interrupted the missionary and asked if he could tell him the exact day that this happened. The missionary told the congregation the date and the man who interrupted told him this story: "On the night of your incident in Africa, it was morning here and I was preparing to go play golf. I felt the urge to pray for you. In fact, the urging of the Lord was so strong; I called men in this church to meet with me here in the sanctuary to pray for you. Would all of those men who met with me on that day stand up?"
The men who had met together to pray that day stood up. The missionary wasn't concerned with who they were, he was too busy counting how many men he saw. There were 26.
While serving at a small field hospital in Africa, every two weeks I traveled by bicycle through the jungle to a nearby city for supplies. This was a journey of two days and required camping overnight at the halfway point. On one of these journeys, I arrived in the city where I planned to collect money from a bank, purchase medicine and supplies, and then begin my two-day journey back to the field hospital. Upon arrival in the city, I observed two men fighting; one of whom had been seriously injured. I treated him for his injuries and at the same time talked to him about the Lord Jesus Christ. I then traveled two days, camping overnight, and arrived home without incident. Two weeks later I repeated my journey. Upon arriving in the city, I was approached by the young man I had treated. He told me that he had known I carried money and medicines. He said, "Some friends and I followed you into the jungle, knowing you would camp overnight. We planned to kill you and take your money and drugs. But just as we were about to move into your camp, we saw that you were surrounded by 26 armed guards."
At this I laughed and said that I was certainly all alone out in that jungle campsite. The young man pressed the point, however, and said, "No sir, I was not the only person to see the guards. My five friends also saw them, and we all counted them. It was because of those guards that we were afraid and left you alone."
At this point in the sermon, one of the men in the congregation jumped to his feet and interrupted the missionary and asked if he could tell him the exact day that this happened. The missionary told the congregation the date and the man who interrupted told him this story: "On the night of your incident in Africa, it was morning here and I was preparing to go play golf. I felt the urge to pray for you. In fact, the urging of the Lord was so strong; I called men in this church to meet with me here in the sanctuary to pray for you. Would all of those men who met with me on that day stand up?"
The men who had met together to pray that day stood up. The missionary wasn't concerned with who they were, he was too busy counting how many men he saw. There were 26.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
What Money Can Buy
Money will buy:
A bed BUT NOT sleep
Books BUT NOT brains
Food BUT NOT appetite
Finery BUT NOT beauty
A house BUT NOT a home
Medicine BUT NOT health
Luxuries BUT NOT culture
Amusement BUT NOT happiness
A crucifix BUT NOT a Savior
A church pew BUT NOT heaven
What money can’t buy, Jesus Christ can freely give without charge.
Is Jesus Christ your Lord and Savior? If not you can get a new lease on life right now. Confess to God that you have sinned and that you want to turn from your sins to receive Jesus as Lord or your life. Through that step of believing faith you can start life afresh with your sins forgiven and a new life in Christ.
A bed BUT NOT sleep
Books BUT NOT brains
Food BUT NOT appetite
Finery BUT NOT beauty
A house BUT NOT a home
Medicine BUT NOT health
Luxuries BUT NOT culture
Amusement BUT NOT happiness
A crucifix BUT NOT a Savior
A church pew BUT NOT heaven
What money can’t buy, Jesus Christ can freely give without charge.
Is Jesus Christ your Lord and Savior? If not you can get a new lease on life right now. Confess to God that you have sinned and that you want to turn from your sins to receive Jesus as Lord or your life. Through that step of believing faith you can start life afresh with your sins forgiven and a new life in Christ.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Haiku's to Windows
My dad told me that he received a BSOD (blue screen of death) on his computer today and it reminded me some excellent poetry I found years ago. Anybody who has used Windows can relate to the following haiku's.
Your file was so big
It might be very useful
But now it is gone
The website you seek
Cannot be located but
Countless more exist
Chaos reigns within
Reflect, repent and reboot
Order shall return
Aborted effort
Close all that you have worked on
You ask far too much
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that
Your system which soared
So freely on gliding wings
now hangs, frozen and blue
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death
No one hears your screams.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Our Crosses to Bear
The young man was at the end of his rope. Seeing no way out, he dropped to his knees in prayer. "Lord, I can't go on," he said. "I have too heavy a cross to bear."
The Lord replied, "My son, if you can't bear its weight, just place your cross inside this room. Then, open that other door and pick out any cross you wish."
The man was filled with relief. Thank you, Lord," he sighed, and he did as he was told. Upon entering the other door, he saw many crosses, some so large the tops were not visible. Then, he spotted a tiny cross leaning against a far wall. "I'd like that one, Lord," he whispered.
And the Lord replied, “My son that is the cross you just brought in."
"And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure. For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong." (2 Corinthians 12:7-10)
The Lord replied, "My son, if you can't bear its weight, just place your cross inside this room. Then, open that other door and pick out any cross you wish."
The man was filled with relief. Thank you, Lord," he sighed, and he did as he was told. Upon entering the other door, he saw many crosses, some so large the tops were not visible. Then, he spotted a tiny cross leaning against a far wall. "I'd like that one, Lord," he whispered.
And the Lord replied, “My son that is the cross you just brought in."
"And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure. For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong." (2 Corinthians 12:7-10)
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