The Bible In 50 Words or Less...

God made
Adam bit
Noah arked
Abraham split
Joseph ruled
Jacob fooled
Bush talked
Moses balked
Pharaoh plagued
People walked
Sea divided
Tablets guided
Promise landed
Saul freaked
David peeked
Prophets warned
Jesus born
God walked
Love talked
Anger crucified
Hope died
Love rose
Spirit flamed
Word spread
God remained

You know you're a liberal if...

You pale at the execution of child killers, but defend the killing of unborn children as an expression of choice.

You think trees have feelings, animals can conceptualize and the fetus is a blob of protoplasm.

You think a moment of silent prayer at the beginning of the school day constitutes government indoctrination and an intrusion on parental authority, while sex education, condom distribution and multiculturalism are values-neutral.

You agonize over threats to the natural environment (acid rain, toxic waste) but are oblivious to threats to the social environment (pornography, promiscuity and family dissolution).

You want to legalize cocaine and outlaw handguns.

You think cops are pigs and criminals are products of their environment.

You believe the National Rifle Associations helps criminals while the American Civil Liberties Union protects the innocent.

You believe corporate profits are obscene but government spending is too low and the American people are undertaxed.

You think deficits are caused by tax loopholes.

You think marriage is obsolete -- except for homosexuals.

You believe homosexuality is genetically determined, but fascism and spouse abuse aren't.

You think AIDS is spread by insufficient funding.

You are convinced that proponents of welfare reform hate the poor and opponents of affirmative action hate minorities, but AIDS activists and People for the American Way types who go psycho over Protestant "fundamentalists" are guardians of democracy.

You attribute every minority problem to entrenched, institutional racism and the legacies of slavery and segregation.

You view race riots as justifiable expressions of rage over injustice and fail to see the similarities between a black mob burning a Korean store and a white mob in the Jim Crow era lynching a black man.

You don't understand all of the whining about affirmative action and are more than willing to sacrifice someone else's employment or education opportunity to assuage your guilt.

Lastly, you're a liberal if -- you don't get the point of this column.

-Excerpts from a column by Don Feder

When Does Life Begin?

When does life begin in the womb? It's an all important to question that determines when a baby is given the rights described in the Declaration of Independence:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

This following clip from the movie, Come What May, makes the abortion argument look silly because they play around with the concept of life and when a fetus actually becomes a human being. It all comes down to the question, "When does life begin?" The answer is so simple that a child can understand it but adults just can't seem to grasp it. Life begins at conception and it's an event that only happens one time in each person's life.

Pray Without Ceasing

"Pray without ceasing" (1 Thessalonians 5:17). There is a great difference between prayer and the life of prayer. Almost everyone prays, but very few pray without ceasing. This is the habit of devotion. This is the altar of incense ever burning in the Holy Place. This is the fragrance of a heart that lives in the presence of the Holy One, and breathes the very life of God. This is the deep undertone of a sanctified life. It is from this that the sweetness, the gladness, the holiness, and the helpfulness come. Lord, teach us the habit of prayer, the prayer that springs spontaneously from the heart, and which neither secular duty, satanic temptation, nor the waves of sorrow, can interrupt, but which is only stimulated by the things that try us, until every experience becomes transformed into an occasion for communion and fellowship with God.

-- A. B. Simpson

Biblical Headlines

On Red Sea crossing:
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE
Pursuing Environmentalists Killed

On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION
Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock

On Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY
400 Killed

On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS
Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple

On healing the 10 lepers:
LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED
"Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy

On healing of the Gadarene demoniac:
MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE
Local Farmer's Investment Lost

On raising Lazarus from the dead:
FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK
Will Reading to be Delayed

Planned Parenthood Supercenter

Planned Parenthood is once again targeting neighborhoods with strong black and latino populations. This racist organization is accomplishing two things: they want more money and to weed out the undesirables of society. Watch the following video, it should make your blood boil.

Fake Gold Bars at Fort Knox

I'm sure you've heard about the legendary Fort Knox, you know the place where they store all that gold to back the dollar? Well it turns out that millions of the gold bars stored there and around the world are fake! Gold is important because it's always been a trusted and reliable means of saving wealth. For example, in the year 1900, a twenty dollar bill and a twenty dollar gold coin would both buy you a new suit. But that's not true today.  The gold coin would still buy you a new suit today but the twenty dollar bill will only buy you a tie because of inflation. That is why the following story is shocking because "someone" has been messing around with the world's gold supply.

Fake gold bars in Bank of England and Fort Knox

An icon remembered

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was considered a very smart cookie, but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Unfolding the Rosebud

A young, new preacher was walking with an older, more seasoned preacher in the garden one day and, feeling a bit insecure about what God had for him to do, he was inquiring of the older preacher who walked up to a rosebush and handed the young preacher a rosebud and told him to open it without tearing off any petals. The young preacher looked in disbelief at the older preacher and was trying to figure out what a rosebud could possibly have to do with his wanting to know the will of God for his life and for his ministry. Because of his high respect for the older preacher, he proceeded to try to unfold the rose while keeping every petal intact. It wasn't long before he realized that the task was impossible. Noticing the younger preacher's inability to unfold the rosebud while keeping it intact, the older preacher began to recite the following poem...

    Unfolding the Rosebud

    It is only a tiny rosebud,
    A flower of God's design;
    But I cannot unfold the petals
    With these clumsy hands of mine.
    The secret of unfolding flowers
    Is not known to such as I.
    God opens this flower so sweetly,
    In my hands it will fade and die.
    If I cannot unfold a rosebud,
    This flower of God's design,
    Then how can I think I have wisdom
    To unfold this life of mine?
    So I'll trust in Him for His leading
    Each moment of every day.
    I will look to him for His guidance
    Each step of the pilgrim way.
    The pathway that lies before me,
    Only my Heavenly Father knows.
    I'll trust Him to unfold the moments,
    Just as He unfolds the rose.

    ~ Author Unknown

Tiger Woods

An Open Letter to Tiger Woods

by John S. Torell

With the United States fighting two wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, a raging debate over health care and the American economy in shambles with millions of Americans unemployed, why should anyone write or talk about Tiger Woods? I don’t play golf nor do I follow the sport. Truth be told, I think it’s very boring, so why would I write a letter to Tiger Woods? As the media drumbeat started to become louder over this one man, I started to read and watch the stories. I felt sorry for a man that has damaged his life over sleazy sex and possibly destroyed his marriage.

Continue reading

=============================================

Later, Brit Hume spoke directly to Woods about the Christian faith and what it offers. I find it refreshing when someone will stand up for Jesus Christ and not apologize afterwords.

Bible Salesman

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.

Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, “Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?”

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, “Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church.”

"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. “You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you.”

Turning to Paul, “And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the church last week?”

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, “I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected.”

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.

The minister opened it and counted the contents. “What is this?” the minister exclaimed. “Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?”

Louie just nodded. “That's impossible!” both Jack and Paul said in unison. “We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could.”

“Yes, this does seem unlikely,” the minister agreed. “I like to know how you managed to accomplish this, Louie.”

Louie shrugged. “I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure,” he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. “Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!”

“A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,” Louis replied, “W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks o-o-o-or wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?”

Censorship of Ted Pike

By Rev. Ted Pike
January 12, 2010

For generations, most evangelical Christians have looked on as Israel bludgeoned the Palestinians. They have done nothing but bless and support Israel's reign of terror in Lebanon, the West Bank and Gaza. Now thousands of their brethren—Jewish Christians in Israel and the Occupied Territories—endure constant discrimination and harassment from ultra-Orthodox Jews. (See http://kingsmenarad.com/) The Israeli government and local authorities do nothing to defend them. And evangelicals in western nations remain largely oblivious. Why?

It's partly because evangelical American media will not report persecution of Christians in Israel! It is quick to publicize persecution of believers in Moslem or Communist countries such as China; but virtually no account of Israeli persecution of Christians is seen or spoken of on Christian internet, publishing or airwaves. Christian leaders fear offending Israel or seeming "anti-Semitic." I witnessed such censorship in action this week.

Over the past six weeks, News with Views (a large Christian/conservative internet newspaper with 200,000 daily visitors) has published my articles; these pieces expose the Anti-Defamation League's attempt to make "conspirators" and anti-Semites out of millions of Christians and Obama-criticizing Americans. NWV also posted my latest article revealing attempts by the state of Israel to define more than a billion people as "anti-Semites" for indulging in "strong criticism" of Israel (See Is 'Strong' Criticism of Israel Anti-Semitic?).

The initial articles (also read widely on rense.com) were primarily responsible for national backlash against ADL's "Toxic Rage Report." The first three were each posted on up to 100 blogs and websites. About 50 readers howled "Anti-Semitism!” when NWV owner/editor Paul Walter posted my first article. But the protest subsided when Rabbi Nachum Shifren confirmed all I said. In his unprecedented article, "The ADL vs. Faith and Freedom," Shifren agreed that ADL is Jewish and conspires toward world dominion. Since then, there has not been a single criticism to Walter about my articles. He says all are factual and well documented.

Nevertheless, Walter refused to print my latest, " Israel's Increasing Anti-Christianity." (See Israel’s Increasing Anti-Christianity) This report details how Israeli Christians are publicly spat on by Orthodox Jews; how Israel threatens five- to seven-years in prison for witnessing; how Christians live under incessant persecution in cities such as Arad and Ariel; and how naive evangelicals fund the very groups in Israel that persecute Christians!

Walter told me that, for the present, NWV has published enough articles against ADL and Israel. He expressed fear that NWV could create an image of Ted Pike as "obsessed" with criticism of Jews which might make Walter's site look anti-Semitic. Such a reputation might cause some of his hundred Christian conservative writers to jump ship. As a result, I must say nothing concerning Jewish issues for my next six or seven articles. The subject of Jews, Israel and the Middle East is vast and complex, ranging through religious, military, financial, legislative, and geopolitical considerations. But I must now make no mention of Jews for nearly two months.

Meanwhile, what if Jewish ADL and the US Justice Department announce concrete plans for stepped-up federal hate crimes enforcement? ADL may specify its plan to train an army of hate crimes prosecutors in America. Just last week Ireland adopted an extremely punitive, ADL-inspired hate crimes law, meting a $35,000 fine for strong criticism of another's religion! ADL's ENDA bill may be moving forward soon. Yet if I am obedient to Walter, I will say nothing of these issues, just when they are most timely and speaking out is most vital to saving freedom. I asked Walter how Americans will even know Christians are persecuted in Israel if we don't sound the alarm. Certainly, I said, WorldNetDaily won't tell them.

Walter agreed, "WorldNetDaily's audience does not like such stories."

Talk about a chill on free speech!

Media Leaders Must Answer to God

Scripture says if any self-professed Christian sees his brother in need and "shuts up his bowels of compassion" then God’s love is not in him. (I John 3:17) Paul Walter and WND owner Joseph Farah influence millions and could jumpstart international pressure to relieve suffering Christians in Israel. More than anything, Christians in Israel need the world to know. Exposure would put pressure on Israel to allow freedom of religion.

The gatekeepers of Christian media need to allow stories of Israeli persecution of Christians. All evangelical leaders are bound, under penalty of the loss of their souls, to quickly and accurately warn their listeners of danger. The anti-Christianity in Israel, which is now advancing through the world via Israel's PR arm, ADL, is a very urgent danger.

As Rabbi Shifren said in NWV, ADL's intention is to establish a one-world order. Shifren said ADL continues the communist/revolutionary movement which "has done more damage to the Jews and caused more murder and destruction than all of Israel's enemies combined." ADL is "neutralizing the fabric of America, getting it ripe for a takeover in which the ADL can take part…What the Soviets could not do in Russia, the ADL will attempt to do in America." (See Shifren's article, The ADL vs. Faith and Freedom) Yet Walter feels he may have printed too many warnings against ADL!

Tragically, Joseph Farah fails to warn of this all-encompassing evil generated by an ADL/B'nai B'rith/Mossad cabal in Israel. Instead, through articles by Aaron Klein in Jerusalem, he feeds the rankest Mossad propaganda to millions of unsuspecting evangelicals! (Farah admitted he received more invitations to speak from ADL/B'nai B'rith and other Jewish groups this past year than from Christians.) (See Farah's article, The ADL Targets WND)

In the Judgment Day will Walter and Farah argue that they couldn’t print stories about Christian suffering because their "Israel-first" evangelical readers didn't like it? Does an aesthetic "imbalance" of warnings by Rev. Ted Pike give Walter the right to muffle truth? God's terms are simple: If media leaders fear offense and don’t aid suffering Christians by sounding the alarm, they will lose their eternal souls! (Ezek. 33)

A majority of what ails America today may be blamed on Jewish "civil liberties" groups such as ADL, ACLU, SPLC, PAW, etc. The decline in American morals can also be traced directly to the control of Hollywood, the "Big Three" TV networks, and major publishing houses, magazines, and newspapers owned by liberal Jews. (See Jews Confirm Big Media Is Jewish) Similarly, the arrival of the Jewish state in Palestine a century ago, right or wrong, undeniably began the destabilization and alienation of the Muslim world (especially from the Gospel), which only intensifies today.

Is NWV really in danger of educating too much about this threat? Aaron Klein, WND's correspondent from Jerusalem, writes at least weekly only about pro-Israel topics. Joseph Farah obviously doesn't feel WND is in danger of "obsession" with the subject of Jews!
I certainly do not intend to write only about Jewish topics. Yet Jewish issues, particularly those of Jewish supremacism, remain intensely relevant. I specialize on the subject and have a singular willingness to speak publicly. I am bold because I am confident of God's protection and armed with biblical truth and perspective, as well as love for the Jewish people. I honor God's ultimate plan to redeem a Jewish remnant at Christ's Second Coming.

Stop Telling Half-Truths!

The half-truths of evangelical media have brought us to our present disarray and weakness before Obama and the international globalist threat. The biggest half-truth of the past century is the idea that our primary opponents are liberals, globalists, secular humanists, etc.

The whole truth is that these are but tentacles of a Talmudic kabbalistic conspiracy to dominate the globe, launched by the same Pharisees who had Christ killed. It is now continued by their spiritual descendants.
Half-truths never saved a soul, a marriage or a nation. Half-truths are worse than outright lies because they provide false assurance of possessing the truth. They inoculate people against the whole truth, causing them to reject and even persecute the truth teller. Half-truths are appeasement that empowers tyranny. Over the past century Christians and conservatives have dedicated themselves to the idea that half-truths in opposition to Communism and liberalism can save freedom; the whole truth is considered too controversial -- even provoking the dreaded accusation of anti-Semitism.

It is now clear that the speaking of political and religious half-truths concerning our enemy has empowered the anti-Christ agenda and largely squandered a century of Christian/conservative energy. In contrast, the whole truth, while it may generate controversy, is a cleansing, liberating wind that brings life. Jeremiah, John the Baptist and Jesus Christ always spoke the undiminished truth at God’s leading.

By God's grace, my message will always be the whole truth, under what I understand as the distinct leading of God. Paul Walter is wrong to think I will write seven articles of pablum under his terms of censorship, to merit the privilege of telling Christians of the plight of their Israeli brethren. I only write articles that are acts of war against the greatest threat to faith and freedom in the history of mankind—a misshapen system of politics and religion which proceeds from the ancient Pharisees. This, I believe, is what it really means to be a watchman on the wall.

Walter and Farah may be contacted at: news10@newswithviews.com and jfarah@worldnetdaily.com

UPDATE 
I wrote to Joseph Farah at World Net Daily and here is the email exchange that took place over the next couple days:

"How can WND claim to be “a free press for a free people” when it uses the same censorship as the mainstream media? Why are you censoring Ted Pike, a man who loves the Lord and speaks the truth, even its hard to hear? It is simply shameful how you are a shill for the coming world government in helping the State of Israel with its public relations. But then if you turned on them, most of your funding would also dry up. So you can’t really break free because you’ve grown dependent upon the money and it will only become harder to wean yourself from the world government breast. You have compromised on truth and are really no different than the other news media you claim is so biased. You are a subjective and prejudiced and not the independent news site you claim to be. As a result, I’ve moved on to other sources for truth because you have been proven to be unreliable."

 Farah responded with the following:

"Maybe because we never heard of Ted Pike. Maybe because, to my knowledge, he has never submitted an article here. Maybe he's a wacko. I have no idea."

My response:

"Why would you compromise your integrity by lying to me about Ted Pike? Is your integrity worth so little?"

Farah's angry response:

"We're done talking. I don't interact with people who bear false witness."

I don't know if Farah's last comment was addressed to Pike or myself but now we know where he stands.

Another Idiot Judge

You can chalk this down to another idiot judge bought and paid for by special interest groups:

A ballot initiative by human rights group Personhood Nevada has been thwarted by Planned Parenthood, the ACLU, and local Judge James Russell. On Friday, January 8, Judge Russell ruled that the fourteen word amendment did not encompass a single subject, although it is comprised of merely a handful of words and is one of the most succinct ever to be filed in that State.

The proposed amendment reads, "In the great state of Nevada, the term 'person' applies to every human being." The Judge's decision declares that the people of Nevada are not entitled to vote on this matter, and that the State's very own policies and procedures to amend the Constitution through ballot initiatives should not be applied to this specific civil rights amendment.

Judge Russell was quoted by the Associated Press as saying, "The issue to me is, are we adequately informing voters on what they're voting on. There's no way for the voter to understand the effects of the initiative."

Personhood USA legal analyst Gualberto Garcia- Jones was disturbed by the Judge's comments. "Judge Russell is being disingenuous," he remarked. "There is a very simple way for the voter to understand the effect of the initiative, namely, read the 200 word description that immediately follows the 14 word ballot text. That 200 word description includes: 'This amendment codifies the inalienable right to life for everyone, young or old, healthy or ill, conscious or unconscious, born or unborn.' Judge Russell is abusing his power and jumping the gun by prejudging the effect of the law."

In 2008, Planned Parenthood sued to prevent the Colorado ballot initiative from moving forward, claiming that it was not a single subject issue, and lost the lawsuit. The initiative, although longer than the Nevada initiative, was found to be a single subject and allowed to proceed.

"This is a civil rights initiative by and for the people of Nevada. Civil rights initiatives, by their nature, tend to have broad scope, yet are still a single subject issue," explained Olaf Vancura, President of Personhood Nevada. "Under the logic and precedent of this court, ANY civil rights initiative brought forth by the people of this great state will be struck down as overly broad. We must appeal this erroneous decision, not only because the judge ruled wrongly, but for the future of Nevada."

Taste My Jesus

The following story is fiction but it illustrates the disbelief that exists even within the Christian community when it come to Bible and Jesus' resurrection:

At the University of Chicago Divinity School each year they have what is called "Baptist Day." On this day each one is to bring a lunch to be eaten outdoors in a grassy picnic area. Every "Baptist Day" the school would invite one of the greatest minds to lecture in the theological education center.

One year they invited Dr. Paul Tillich. Dr.Tillich spoke for two and one-half hours "proving" that the Resurrection of Jesus was false. He quoted scholar after scholar and book after book. He concluded that since there was no such thing as the historical resurrection, the religious tradition of the church was groundless, emotional mumbo-jumbo, because it was based on a relationship with a risen Jesus, who, in fact, never rose from the dead in any literal sense.

He then asked if there were any questions. After about 30 seconds, an old, dark skinned preacher with a head of short-cropped, woolly white hair stood up in the back. "Doctah Tillich, I got one question," he said as all eyes turned toward him. He reached into his sack lunch and pulled out an apple and began eating it. "Doctah Tillich..." CRUNCH, MUNCH "My question is a simple question..." CRUNCH, MUNCH... "Now, I ain't never read them books you read..." CRUNCH,MUNCH..." and I can't recite the Scriptures in the original Greek..." CRUNCH, MUNCH ... " I don't know nothin' about Niebuhr and Heidegger..." CRUNCH, MUNCH... He finished the apple. "All I wanna know is: This apple I just ate… was it bitter or sweet?"

Dr. Tillich paused for a moment and then answered in exemplary scholarly fashion: "I cannot possibly answer that question, for I haven't tasted your apple."

The white-haired preacher dropped the core of his apple into his crumpled paper bag, looked up at Dr. Tillich and said calmly, "Neither have you tasted my Jesus."

Have you tasted Jesus?

Answering Machine Messages

"Hi! I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."

"Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"

"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. ?Please speak very slowly and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

"Hello! You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their pictures taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

"This is not an answering machine This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call."

"Hi! This is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back."

"This is you-know-who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when."

"You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep."

"This is 234-3249, and no, it's not Pete's Pizzaria. It's not the Credit Union either, and no one named Pam lives here. You can leave a message though."

Favorite Hymns

The Dentist's Hymn: Crown Him With Many Crowns

The Weatherman's Hymn: There Shall Be Showers of Blessings

The Contractor's Hymn: The Church's One Foundation

The Tailor's Hymn: Holy, Holy, Holy

The Golfer's Hymn: There is A Green Hill Far Away

The Politician's Hymn: Standing On The Promises

The Optometrist's Hymn: Open My Eyes That I May See

The IRS Agent's Hymn: I Surrender All

The Gossip's Hymn: Pass It On

The Electrician's Hymn: Send The Light

The Shopper's Hymn: Sweet By And By

And here are some songs for those of you who like to drive and push the speed limit:
45 mph: God Will Take Care Of You
55 mph: Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
65 mph: Nearer My God To Thee
75 mph: Nearer Still Nearer
85 mph: This World Is Not My Home
95 mph: Lord, I'm Coming Home
Over 100 mph: Precious Memories

World's Shortest Book by Well-Known Authors

"Things I Did To Deserve The Nobel Peace Prize" by Barack Obama

"Other Black People I've Met While Yachting' by Tiger Woods

"Things I Love About My Country" by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan, with illustrations by Michael Moore

"My Christian Accomplishments And How I Helped After Katrina" by Revs. Jesse Jackson & Al Sharpton

"Things I Cannot Afford" by Bill Gates

"Things I Would Not Do For Money" by Dennis Rodman

"Things We Know To Be True" by Al Gore & John Kerry

"Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific"

"A Collection of Motivational Speeches" by Dr. Jack Kevorkian

"My Plan To Find The Real Killer(s)" by O.J. Simpson

"How To Drink And Drive Safely" by Ted Kennedy

"My Book of Morals" by Bill Clinton & Tiger Woods, with introduction by Rev. Jesse Jackson

"Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy" by Nancy Pelosi

The New Suit

A guy was being sold a very cheap suit.

"But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm," he complained.

"That's why the suit is such a bargain," the sales clerk explained. "Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this."

"But the right leg is way too short," argued the customer.

"No problem," the sales clerk answered. "Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. That's why this suit is only thirty dollars."

Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suit's left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car.

Two doctors happened along and noticed him.

"Good heavens," the first doctor said to the second, "look at that poor crippled fellow."

"Yeah," answered the second doctor. "But doesn't that suit fit great?"