Taste My Jesus

The following story is fiction but it illustrates the disbelief that exists even within the Christian community when it come to Bible and Jesus' resurrection:

At the University of Chicago Divinity School each year they have what is called "Baptist Day." On this day each one is to bring a lunch to be eaten outdoors in a grassy picnic area. Every "Baptist Day" the school would invite one of the greatest minds to lecture in the theological education center.

One year they invited Dr. Paul Tillich. Dr.Tillich spoke for two and one-half hours "proving" that the Resurrection of Jesus was false. He quoted scholar after scholar and book after book. He concluded that since there was no such thing as the historical resurrection, the religious tradition of the church was groundless, emotional mumbo-jumbo, because it was based on a relationship with a risen Jesus, who, in fact, never rose from the dead in any literal sense.

He then asked if there were any questions. After about 30 seconds, an old, dark skinned preacher with a head of short-cropped, woolly white hair stood up in the back. "Doctah Tillich, I got one question," he said as all eyes turned toward him. He reached into his sack lunch and pulled out an apple and began eating it. "Doctah Tillich..." CRUNCH, MUNCH "My question is a simple question..." CRUNCH, MUNCH... "Now, I ain't never read them books you read..." CRUNCH,MUNCH..." and I can't recite the Scriptures in the original Greek..." CRUNCH, MUNCH ... " I don't know nothin' about Niebuhr and Heidegger..." CRUNCH, MUNCH... He finished the apple. "All I wanna know is: This apple I just ate… was it bitter or sweet?"

Dr. Tillich paused for a moment and then answered in exemplary scholarly fashion: "I cannot possibly answer that question, for I haven't tasted your apple."

The white-haired preacher dropped the core of his apple into his crumpled paper bag, looked up at Dr. Tillich and said calmly, "Neither have you tasted my Jesus."

Have you tasted Jesus?

Answering Machine Messages

"Hi! I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."

"Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"

"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. ?Please speak very slowly and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

"Hello! You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their pictures taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

"This is not an answering machine This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call."

"Hi! This is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back."

"This is you-know-who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when."

"You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep."

"This is 234-3249, and no, it's not Pete's Pizzaria. It's not the Credit Union either, and no one named Pam lives here. You can leave a message though."

Favorite Hymns

The Dentist's Hymn: Crown Him With Many Crowns

The Weatherman's Hymn: There Shall Be Showers of Blessings

The Contractor's Hymn: The Church's One Foundation

The Tailor's Hymn: Holy, Holy, Holy

The Golfer's Hymn: There is A Green Hill Far Away

The Politician's Hymn: Standing On The Promises

The Optometrist's Hymn: Open My Eyes That I May See

The IRS Agent's Hymn: I Surrender All

The Gossip's Hymn: Pass It On

The Electrician's Hymn: Send The Light

The Shopper's Hymn: Sweet By And By

And here are some songs for those of you who like to drive and push the speed limit:
45 mph: God Will Take Care Of You
55 mph: Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
65 mph: Nearer My God To Thee
75 mph: Nearer Still Nearer
85 mph: This World Is Not My Home
95 mph: Lord, I'm Coming Home
Over 100 mph: Precious Memories

World's Shortest Book by Well-Known Authors

"Things I Did To Deserve The Nobel Peace Prize" by Barack Obama

"Other Black People I've Met While Yachting' by Tiger Woods

"Things I Love About My Country" by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan, with illustrations by Michael Moore

"My Christian Accomplishments And How I Helped After Katrina" by Revs. Jesse Jackson & Al Sharpton

"Things I Cannot Afford" by Bill Gates

"Things I Would Not Do For Money" by Dennis Rodman

"Things We Know To Be True" by Al Gore & John Kerry

"Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific"

"A Collection of Motivational Speeches" by Dr. Jack Kevorkian

"My Plan To Find The Real Killer(s)" by O.J. Simpson

"How To Drink And Drive Safely" by Ted Kennedy

"My Book of Morals" by Bill Clinton & Tiger Woods, with introduction by Rev. Jesse Jackson

"Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy" by Nancy Pelosi

The New Suit

A guy was being sold a very cheap suit.

"But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm," he complained.

"That's why the suit is such a bargain," the sales clerk explained. "Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this."

"But the right leg is way too short," argued the customer.

"No problem," the sales clerk answered. "Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. That's why this suit is only thirty dollars."

Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suit's left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car.

Two doctors happened along and noticed him.

"Good heavens," the first doctor said to the second, "look at that poor crippled fellow."

"Yeah," answered the second doctor. "But doesn't that suit fit great?"

The Painter

Once there was a painter who was very poor. When his church needed repainting, the members of the congregation and the church elders got together, and when bids were considered for the job, offered him the job because while his bid was not the lowest it was close and he was of their congregation. So the painter bought paint for the job and set to work. When he got about three-quarters of the job finished it became apparent that he wouldn’t have enough paint. Well his bid was about as low as he could go and so he decided to thin his paint some so that it would spread farther. Well he got about half of the remainder done and concluded that he would have to thin what he had left just a little and his paint would stretch to cover the whole church.

Unfortunately, that night a terrible storm came to the town and when the painter was awakened by the crash of thunder he realized the thinned paint wouldn’t stick to walls of he church and would be washed away. Well the painter is panicked and realizes he has betrayed the trust put in him by his neighbors and that he will be shamed in front of everyone.

As soon as the next day has dawned, he rushed out of the house to the church and sees all of the thinned paint covering the lawn in front of the church. Faced with humiliation and possible ruin of his business, he does what is only natural and falls down on his knees and prays, "God," he says, "please forgive me and help me to see the error of my ways."

Just then the heavens open above him and he is bathed in a pearly radiance from above. A voice can be heard in the sudden stillness of the morning that rings as if it comes from Heaven itself, "Repaint and thin no more!"

Virus Humor

Coming to a hard drive near you, the worst computer viruses yet:

AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you're getting.

Paul Revere Virus: Warns of impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by C:

Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus." Instead, it's an "electronic microorganism."

Government Spokesman Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.